Isolation: Agave in the Snow

Jun 24

In this work, I am finding ways to illustrate my rumination; I have taken the noise in my head and collaged it on to the canvas—as you see, the words are covering the snow in layers upon layers.

The paragraph used on the painting is this:

Isolation is my life. I cut myself off from people. People are scary. I don’t want to make a mistake. I can’t be perfect, and I want to be. I don’t want to say something dumb and get laughed at. I would rather be lonely. I want people to believe I am an introvert, so they won’t question my aloneness. I tell myself I like to be alone. I was never supported by anyone. Whenever I would cry over being teased, or being ‘picked on’, I would never be comforted, there were no kind and loving words. I was a cry-baby. I was bullied at school and bullied at home. My child-self tried so hard. I can see her sitting at the table, finally getting dad’s attention to tell what she was feeling, or a story to illustrate what she was trying to say, only to have her father impatiently retort “Get to the point! You are talking to hear yourself talk” or other things. I think I talk to myself, or ‘think out loud’ to both fill up my space with human sound and to not hear the string of negative thoughts going on in my head. I can hear the defeat in my soul. “Why do you try, it’s just going to end badly and you will get laughed at again. Just quit, just give up.”

Alice Guinther